Funny Video! – Man/Woman

Here’s a quick joke we made for Fantastic Fest.  

The rules were:  15-45 seconds, involve the theme ‘trans-human’, and have the last line of dialogue be ‘That’s Fantastic!’.  I think it came out pretty great, but let me know what you think!

How to Stuff a Lady’s Turkey

A special holiday message that’ll make you laugh!

Starring Lindsay Kent, Regina Chen, Rachel Myhill, and Constance Rosado.
Camera Operators: Justine Spinoza, John Valley, the Kline Bros.
Special thanks to Nancy Oakley the Thai Princess (www.thaiprincessjewelries.com), Lindsay on 5th Ave, Clara on Alamo St and Friend, Nice Lady at Trail of Lights, Other Nice Lady at Trail of Lights and Boyfriend, Fun Menorah Truck Drivers.

First Impressions Tip #6

If you make a bad first impression you can always rectify it by pointing out the other person’s flaws.  This will put them on the defensive and make them work harder to win your affection.

First Impressions Tip #5

It’s never about you!  Focus on the other person, and try to see the world through their eyes…  Are they examining your pores?  Did they notice those stray hairs?  Are they checking their phone because they’re bored of you?  Is there someone more attractive behind you?  These are things you need to focus on.

I Don’t Judge…

I don’t judge those who hook up regularly because its unhealthy to be self deprecating.

We Were Making Out On Her Bed…

And I really liked this girl, she’s amazing.  So I looked into her eyes, held her hand, and I asked her: ‘So how long do you think we’re gonna last?’

She said: ‘Til this condom is done.’

How I Got in Her Pants Last Night

I just gotta get in a girl’s pants tonight.

My comment seemed to pass through Kevin, my neighbor, without him noticing, like Christian Rock radio signals.  “Did you hear me?  We’re going out tonight and I’m getting in some girl’s pants.”

“So you’re over Stephanie then?  Didn’t you just call her a minute ago?”  Kevin’s always been a supportive friend.

“Immaterial!  Sure, maybe I’m not over her.  But it can’t hurt getting fresh tang over me.  I’m gonna need your help though, moral support.”  Kevin wasn’t responding to me.  “Aren’t you listening?  We’re doing this.  Tonight.”

“Alright, do it then.  Hit it and split it, or split it and hit it, whatever.  But I can’t help you, I have a date tonight.  Sorry Casanova.”

“Oh but that’s perfect!” I said, “Couples are always better at getting a guy laid!”

“No, no, no,” said Kevin.  “You are not going to hijack my date just so you can put your LoJack on some girl.”

And that was the end of the discussion really, I was on my own.  I walked back up to my apt and got all gussied up: shower, shave, skinny jeans.  I cleaned my apartment and cued up some Justin Timberlake; in case tonight’s lucky girl was from out of town or still lived with her parents or had any pets, I HATE meeting girl’s pets…

I was walking to my car,  and I heard this CLINKING sound.  So I looked down and this stainless steel cigar tube was rolling towards me.  I picked it up, and looked around to see where it might have come from.  And that’s when I spotted her, this gorgeous woman who was frantically looking around for something.  Well, well, well, maybe I wouldn’t need Kevin’s help tonight after all…

“Excuse me, miss, are you looking for something?” I called out to her.

Her green eyes (she had green eyes!) looked at me: “Uh yes, I think I dropped a…”

“A cigar by chance?”  I held the cigar case up for her to see.

A genuinely beautiful smile shown on her face, “Oh you found it!”

“I found more than that baby,” I said in my best noir detective voice, and then I opened up the stainless steel cigar tube, placed the cigar in my mouth, and fluidly lit the cigar.  I was cool.

“That’s not a cigar!” she called out.

I took the cigar out of my mouth and looked at it: “Kotex, never heard of that brand.”

“That’s my tampon! I hide it in that tube.”

“TAMPON!” I spit the tampon out of my mouth and stamped it out with my shoe.  “Gross.”

The woman looked in shock at the smoldering crumple beneath my shoe.  She basically said: “Oh, I needed that, why don’t you go and reproduce happily and perish calmly,” only she didn’t use those words.  And then she disappeared into the apartment complex.

I stood there for a moment wondering if smoking a tampon could cause cancer.  And then I remembered the original goal of the evening, but I had just ruined this girl’s night, and she was hot!  I’d better find her.

I wandered through the apartment complex until I found her huddled beside bush.

“There you are, what are you doing down there?”

“Leave me alone please,” she murmured.

“What’s wrong?  Are you okay?”

“No.”

“What happened?”

“I had my, you know, cycle,” she said.

“Oh, you have a motorcycle!  That’s awesome!”

“Look…”  She stood up and pointed to her pants.  It took me off guard.

“That’s an odd place for a polka dot,” I said.

She frowned, “No, its from meeeeeeeeeeeee.”  She pointed to her stomach, finally I remembered that lecture in the 5th grade where Ms. Sarasboro explained everything that had confused me about the Alien films.

“Oooooooooohhhhhh.”

“That’s right, I needed that tampon but then you lit it on fire,” she said, “And now because of you I’m late for my date with a great guy.”

She pointed across the apartment complex.  I looked and saw Kevin standing there by his car, checking his phone.  “That’s your date?”

“Not with these pants, now how are you going to make this right?” she retorted.

I stood there wondering…  But my phone was ringing: it was Kevin calling.  “Hey Kevin, what’s up?”  “Jimbo!  Hey I think my date stood me up so maybe we could go out for a double order of fur burgers.”  I wasn’t sure what to say, it would be easy to leave this girl there, she’d be fine, and then Kevin and I would be free to…  But then, just like in a Mentos commercial, I knew what to do!  “Actually, Kevin, you know, just give her a minute, I’m sure she’ll make it…”

A few minutes later, I saw Kevin smooched a little kiss from the gorgeous, green-eyed, bleeding woman.  They were happy and having fun, she was wearing my skinny jeans.  And me, this is what I was wearing:

This is How I Got in a Girl’s Pants Last Night

I guess I did want to get into a girl’s pants…

POST HOOK UP FEELINGS

Honestly, after hooking up with a girl I usually feel a little regretful,  uncomfortable, dirty.

But, that’s also how I usually feel.

So I called an old ex…

I wouldn’t say that I’ve been feeling lonely, but my recent break up has caused me to have extended periods of personal time heavily consumed by thoughts of guilt and isolation.  Anyway, my ex Stephanie is very attractive, and whilst we were together it caused some insecurity on my part because people were always gawking at her jugs instead of bowing to my beard.  Not even gay guys would check me out…  So I was always grumpy around her while we were dating, BUT whenever she broke up with me, suddenly all my angst was released and I could make jokes to her like: “You know, you really shouldn’t’ve shaved down there so much…”  She’d be in stitches and I was my old, cool, Crassanova self, a regular Lex-Lothario-Luther.

So while we were talking last night, I had her rolling pretty great and I popped the question ‘Let’s grab some dinner next week’.  Then she said:

Jim, we can’t, I cheated on you remember.

Which is true, she was having sex with another guy who she left me for the last time we broke up, so I said:

Stephanie, I’d rather be miserable with a cheating hoe like you than be miserable and lonely without you.

And now we’re getting coffee next week 🙂