I just gotta get in a girl’s pants tonight.
My comment seemed to pass through Kevin, my neighbor, without him noticing, like Christian Rock radio signals. “Did you hear me? We’re going out tonight and I’m getting in some girl’s pants.”
“So you’re over Stephanie then? Didn’t you just call her a minute ago?” Kevin’s always been a supportive friend.
“Immaterial! Sure, maybe I’m not over her. But it can’t hurt getting fresh tang over me. I’m gonna need your help though, moral support.” Kevin wasn’t responding to me. “Aren’t you listening? We’re doing this. Tonight.”
“Alright, do it then. Hit it and split it, or split it and hit it, whatever. But I can’t help you, I have a date tonight. Sorry Casanova.”
“Oh but that’s perfect!” I said, “Couples are always better at getting a guy laid!”
“No, no, no,” said Kevin. “You are not going to hijack my date just so you can put your LoJack on some girl.”
And that was the end of the discussion really, I was on my own. I walked back up to my apt and got all gussied up: shower, shave, skinny jeans. I cleaned my apartment and cued up some Justin Timberlake; in case tonight’s lucky girl was from out of town or still lived with her parents or had any pets, I HATE meeting girl’s pets…
I was walking to my car, and I heard this CLINKING sound. So I looked down and this stainless steel cigar tube was rolling towards me. I picked it up, and looked around to see where it might have come from. And that’s when I spotted her, this gorgeous woman who was frantically looking around for something. Well, well, well, maybe I wouldn’t need Kevin’s help tonight after all…
“Excuse me, miss, are you looking for something?” I called out to her.
Her green eyes (she had green eyes!) looked at me: “Uh yes, I think I dropped a…”
“A cigar by chance?” I held the cigar case up for her to see.
A genuinely beautiful smile shown on her face, “Oh you found it!”
“I found more than that baby,” I said in my best noir detective voice, and then I opened up the stainless steel cigar tube, placed the cigar in my mouth, and fluidly lit the cigar. I was cool.
“That’s not a cigar!” she called out.
I took the cigar out of my mouth and looked at it: “Kotex, never heard of that brand.”
“That’s my tampon! I hide it in that tube.”
“TAMPON!” I spit the tampon out of my mouth and stamped it out with my shoe. “Gross.”
The woman looked in shock at the smoldering crumple beneath my shoe. She basically said: “Oh, I needed that, why don’t you go and reproduce happily and perish calmly,” only she didn’t use those words. And then she disappeared into the apartment complex.
I stood there for a moment wondering if smoking a tampon could cause cancer. And then I remembered the original goal of the evening, but I had just ruined this girl’s night, and she was hot! I’d better find her.
I wandered through the apartment complex until I found her huddled beside bush.
“There you are, what are you doing down there?”
“Leave me alone please,” she murmured.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I had my, you know, cycle,” she said.
“Oh, you have a motorcycle! That’s awesome!”
“Look…” She stood up and pointed to her pants. It took me off guard.
“That’s an odd place for a polka dot,” I said.
She frowned, “No, its from meeeeeeeeeeeee.” She pointed to her stomach, finally I remembered that lecture in the 5th grade where Ms. Sarasboro explained everything that had confused me about the Alien films.
“That’s right, I needed that tampon but then you lit it on fire,” she said, “And now because of you I’m late for my date with a great guy.”
She pointed across the apartment complex. I looked and saw Kevin standing there by his car, checking his phone. “That’s your date?”
“Not with these pants, now how are you going to make this right?” she retorted.
I stood there wondering… But my phone was ringing: it was Kevin calling. “Hey Kevin, what’s up?” “Jimbo! Hey I think my date stood me up so maybe we could go out for a double order of fur burgers.” I wasn’t sure what to say, it would be easy to leave this girl there, she’d be fine, and then Kevin and I would be free to… But then, just like in a Mentos commercial, I knew what to do! “Actually, Kevin, you know, just give her a minute, I’m sure she’ll make it…”
A few minutes later, I saw Kevin smooched a little kiss from the gorgeous, green-eyed, bleeding woman. They were happy and having fun, she was wearing my skinny jeans. And me, this is what I was wearing:
I guess I did want to get into a girl’s pants…