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#3 Reason Why They Didn’t Write Back

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You Said it Wrong You Idiot!

You’ve gotta say things the right way!  Do it like I do!  Here, this is a recent OkCupid correspondence I initiated with SexyGirl88.  I then show the same correspondence with the subtext explained…

ME:  Hey


ME:  Whats up?

SEXYGIRL88:  Nothing

ME:  Oh ya?  Too bad.

SEXYGIRL88:  yeah

ME:  #


Now with subtext translations…

ME:  Hey

[Subtext Translation: Hello, my name is Jim, I’m a cool, successful guy also living in Austin, it’s a pleasure to correspond with you because I can see that you’re a really special woman that any guy would be lucky to be with.]


[Subtext Translation:  Hi!  My name is Nancy; you’re making me blush!  It looks like we have many of the same interests and it looks like you’d be a catch for any woman!]

ME:  Whats up?

[Subtext Translation:  I saw that one of your mantras was Jim Rohn’s quote: “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.”  I respect your social interests and I also enjoy living in the present moment! What has your week been like so far? – You see!  You gotta make that shit personal or else they’ll know you didn’t read their profile!]

SEXYGIRL88:  Nothing

[Subtext Translation:  Yes, being present has been the greatest lesson of my life.  I’ve been busy with nursing…  — Did you notice how she left off the period?  It’s not ‘Nothing period’; it’s an open ended nothing.  She’s saying – I’m busy tonight at the hospital, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be interested in doing something later on in the week  🙂 ]

ME:  Oh ya?  Too bad.

[Subtext Translation: That sucks that you’re so busy, but then again, your work as a nurse must be very rewarding and fulfilling.  Maybe I’ll just have to get myself sick 😉 ]

SEXYGIRL88:  yeah

[Subtext translation:  Ooohh, I like you sense of humor!  My work is very fulfilling, thank you for validating my life choices!  Don’t bother getting sick cause I make house calls also 😉 ]

ME:  #

[Subtext translation:  I don’t mind waiting until you’re free because you’re so great!  But in the meantime, why don’t we exchange phone numbers so we can communicate easily when an opportune moment does arise.]


See how simple it is!


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#2 Reason Why They Didn’t Write Back

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You Sent Your Message at the Wrong Time 

Ladies, send your first messages on Thursdays between 4pm and 8pm.  Guys don’t plan.  Guys don’t know day tomorrow is.  Guys don’t even buy green bananas.  Guys work, sleep, and play GTA5 until Thursday when they remember they have a dick, and they’d like to get it wet this weekend.   Or at the very least know that there’s the slightest possibility it could get wet, that’s enough for a guy. If you message him on a Thursday or Friday before 3pm, you just became the most exciting thing in town.  If you message after 3pm on a Friday, he could interpret it as a booty call.

Guys, send your messages on Mondays and Tuesdays.  Women like to have their weekends planned by Tuesday or Wednesday so that by the time Thursday rolls around they aren’t worried that their social life is over and nobody loves them.  Ladies work hard early on in the week and giving them some sweet attention on a Monday will help them get through their week.  A few messages later and you could have a nice first date by Saturday.

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First Impressions Tip #6

If you make a bad first impression you can always rectify it by pointing out the other person’s flaws.  This will put them on the defensive and make them work harder to win your affection.

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First Impressions Tip #4

Clothes Matter!  As much we like to say that we don’t judge our date for what they’re wearing, we can’t help our subconscious.  I always like to bring a couple extra outfits, in case I don’t like what she’s wearing.  She can always change in the restroom and come back.

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First Impressions Tip #1

The best way to make a good impression on the first date is to be yourself.   But be the self that’s charming, caring, a good listener, attractive, funny, witty, spontaneous, assertive, and easy-going.  Your normal self probably won’t do.

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How I Got in Her Pants Last Night

How I Got In Her Pants Last Night

I just gotta get in a girl’s pants tonight.

My comment seemed to pass through Kevin, my neighbor, without him noticing, like Christian Rock radio signals.  “Did you hear me?  We’re going out tonight and I’m getting in some girl’s pants.”

“So you’re over Stephanie then?  Didn’t you just call her a minute ago?”  Kevin’s always been a supportive friend.

“Immaterial!  Sure, maybe I’m not over her.  But it can’t hurt getting fresh tang over me.  I’m gonna need your help though, moral support.”  Kevin wasn’t responding to me.  “Aren’t you listening?  We’re doing this.  Tonight.”

“Alright, do it then.  Hit it and split it, or split it and hit it, whatever.  But I can’t help you, I have a date tonight.  Sorry Casanova.”

“Oh but that’s perfect!” I said, “Couples are always better at getting a guy laid!”

“No, no, no,” said Kevin.  “You are not going to hijack my date just so you can put your LoJack on some girl.”

And that was the end of the discussion really, I was on my own.  I walked back up to my apt and got all gussied up: shower, shave, skinny jeans.  I cleaned my apartment and cued up some Justin Timberlake; in case tonight’s lucky girl was from out of town or still lived with her parents or had any pets, I HATE meeting girl’s pets…

No Pets On First Date

I was walking to my car,  and I heard this CLINKING sound.  So I looked down and this stainless steel cigar tube was rolling towards me.  I picked it up, and looked around to see where it might have come from.  And that’s when I spotted her, this gorgeous woman who was frantically looking around for something.  Well, well, well, maybe I wouldn’t need Kevin’s help tonight after all…

“Excuse me, miss, are you looking for something?” I called out to her.

Her green eyes (she had green eyes!) looked at me: “Uh yes, I think I dropped a…”

“A cigar by chance?”  I held the cigar case up for her to see.

A genuinely beautiful smile shown on her face, “Oh you found it!”

“I found more than that baby,” I said in my best noir detective voice, and then I opened up the stainless steel cigar tube, placed the cigar in my mouth, and fluidly lit the cigar.  I was cool.

“That’s not a cigar!” she called out.

I took the cigar out of my mouth and looked at it: “Kotex, never heard of that brand.”

“That’s my tampon! I hide it in that tube.”

“TAMPON!” I spit the tampon out of my mouth and stamped it out with my shoe.  “Gross.”

The woman looked in shock at the smoldering crumple beneath my shoe.  She basically said: “Oh, I needed that, why don’t you go and reproduce happily and perish calmly,” only she didn’t use those words.  And then she disappeared into the apartment complex.

Tampon in My Mouth

I stood there for a moment wondering if smoking a tampon could cause cancer.  And then I remembered the original goal of the evening, but I had just ruined this girl’s night, and she was hot!  I’d better find her.

I wandered through the apartment complex until I found her huddled beside bush.

“There you are, what are you doing down there?”

“Leave me alone please,” she murmured.

“What’s wrong?  Are you okay?”


“What happened?”

“I had my, you know, cycle,” she said.

“Oh, you have a motorcycle!  That’s awesome!”

“Look…”  She stood up and pointed to her pants.  It took me off guard.

“That’s an odd place for a polka dot,” I said.

She frowned, “No, its from meeeeeeeeeeeee.”  She pointed to her stomach, finally I remembered that lecture in the 5th grade where Ms. Sarasboro explained everything that had confused me about the Alien films.


“That’s right, I needed that tampon but then you lit it on fire,” she said, “And now because of you I’m late for my date with a great guy.”

She pointed across the apartment complex.  I looked and saw Kevin standing there by his car, checking his phone.  “That’s your date?”

“Not with these pants, now how are you going to make this right?” she retorted.

I stood there wondering…  But my phone was ringing: it was Kevin calling.  “Hey Kevin, what’s up?”  “Jimbo!  Hey I think my date stood me up so maybe we could go out for a double order of fur burgers.”  I wasn’t sure what to say, it would be easy to leave this girl there, she’d be fine, and then Kevin and I would be free to…  But then, just like in a Mentos commercial, I knew what to do!  “Actually, Kevin, you know, just give her a minute, I’m sure she’ll make it…”

A few minutes later, I saw Kevin smooched a little kiss from the gorgeous, green-eyed, bleeding woman.  They were happy and having fun, she was wearing my skinny jeans.  And me, this is what I was wearing:

Man Wearing Women's Pants with Period Stain

This is How I Got in a Girl’s Pants Last Night

I guess I did want to get into a girl’s pants…


Filed under Love Stories (Long Form)